A Clarification
I've had some responses to my last post. I don't think I was that eloquent in articulating my present state of mind.
After spending my morning talking with a dear friend I think was able to pinpoint some of my frustration.
I have the ideals of what I'd like to be. I have ideas of practices I'd like to integrate into my life. I am neither disciplined nor dedicated--a trait that has plagued me my entire life. I promise I am not playing up the victimhood ticket. I am how I am and I have the potential to change the same way an obese person has the potential to diet. But it's hard and I've never been perseverant in the face of trials. I usually just get ticked off and run my mouth at the person immediately causing the disruption. I hate being inconvenienced and get annoyed by incompetent people.
I'd like to be more contemplative. I'd like to be more meditative. I'd like to sit with the quietness of who I am and get to know God. BUT I CAN'T. And that is why I am so frustrated with myself. That is the reason for seeking spiritual direction. I don't want to talk theology. I don't want to talk about social issues. I want to learn how to know God. I want to be satisfied with silence, inactivity, and being all that I am AT THIS VERY MOMENT.
I want to understand why God only seems real in the midst of tragedy, third world poverty, oppression, and injustice. I want to learn how to separate myself from the over stimulation and overabundance of STUFF American culture offers so that I might get back into the dirt reality of life instead of welcoming every distraction that comes my way.
After spending my morning talking with a dear friend I think was able to pinpoint some of my frustration.
I have the ideals of what I'd like to be. I have ideas of practices I'd like to integrate into my life. I am neither disciplined nor dedicated--a trait that has plagued me my entire life. I promise I am not playing up the victimhood ticket. I am how I am and I have the potential to change the same way an obese person has the potential to diet. But it's hard and I've never been perseverant in the face of trials. I usually just get ticked off and run my mouth at the person immediately causing the disruption. I hate being inconvenienced and get annoyed by incompetent people.
I'd like to be more contemplative. I'd like to be more meditative. I'd like to sit with the quietness of who I am and get to know God. BUT I CAN'T. And that is why I am so frustrated with myself. That is the reason for seeking spiritual direction. I don't want to talk theology. I don't want to talk about social issues. I want to learn how to know God. I want to be satisfied with silence, inactivity, and being all that I am AT THIS VERY MOMENT.
I want to understand why God only seems real in the midst of tragedy, third world poverty, oppression, and injustice. I want to learn how to separate myself from the over stimulation and overabundance of STUFF American culture offers so that I might get back into the dirt reality of life instead of welcoming every distraction that comes my way.
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