Waffling Religion Firm Faith
I don't know when the dissatisfaction first set in. Even now I still struggle with the fact that I feel this way. I'm trying to get to the bottom of the angst. I'm finding more and more frequently that as I try and process these thoughts out loud with people I trust I'm finding more people in a similar state. I'm tired of church. There. Now I await the lightening bolt to strike me dead. Nice view of God huh?
I want to know God and live a life like Jesus but it's not happening. I've spent far too long thinking I'm inadequate. I have this idea that I should be able to know God on my own. Through my own pursuit maybe I'll find him. But it hasn't happened yet. So what now? I still haven't come to conclusion on my feelings--are they legitimate? Or am I being another obnoxious Christian that's wants it all? I spent enough time growing up with a pastor for a dad to know I don't want to be another whiney Christian he so often had to deal with.
There is nothing wrong with the church I attend. I recommend it to other people. I don't want to leave in search of some other church because I don't think that's a solution and the problem isn't the church, its me and knowing where I fit into the big picture of that whole idea and quite frankly feeling too tired to pursue anything beyond weekly quasi-attendance.
I know Jesus walked the earth. I believe him God incarnate. But why this great fear of cosmic lightening coming down from heaven in Zeus-like fashion to strike me dead for being dissatisfied with the state of mainstream Christendom?
I'm tired of conservative portrayals of Christianity. I'm tired of the right, the left, and the middle. I just want to know God. Why does that seem so unattainable? Why does so much crap get filtered in along the way of life? Why did some church down the street from us hold an "Animal Blessing" service this past Sunday where you were encouraged to bring your pets?
I met with Sister Bernard yesterday. Sr. Bernard has been a nun for 56 years and heads up the Spiritual Growth Center for the archdiocese of Los Angeles. We talked about God and prayer. She explained the ancient history of spiritual direction and then gave me a list of few people who are spiritual directors in the area. She made it clear that spiritual direction is not therapy which is just as well with me since I'm not interested in visiting with a shrink at this point in my life. I was opposed to the idea of spiritual direction for a long time. Isn't spiritual direction supposed to take place in the church? Or through those contacts? On top of that I always had the notion that spiritual direction was some New Age fad which I've come to learn is untrue. I'm at a point of desperation of completely walking out on the idea of church altogether yet I have this unshakeable faith in what I can't seem to attain. I used to thrive off of solitude and alone time when I was younger. Now, I act like a 5th grader with a bad case of ADD if I even attempt quietness or aloneness for more than 3 minutes.
What I really want is to find some older people who I admire and who have a deep friendship with God. I'd latch onto them and through some parasitic endeavor hope to glean from their wisdom and experience. I have a lack of any such person in my life. That is the reason for the Spiritual Director. Who knows what will happen.
Tolstoy has momentarily replaced bible reading for me (no lightening yet....). I'd never read him before having always managed to opt out of mandatory english lit classes in high school and furthermore was turned off and intimidated by the shear length of his novels. Then I came across a book of his short stories and have been astounded by the spiritual overtones of his writing. Here is a man who was a wealthy land owner and strived his whole life to live out what he thought the kingdom of God should look like and failed miserably with every pitiful attempt he made. He doesn't hide his human condition nor his moral exhaustion in his works which is refreshing, pure, and beautiful. I can identify and gain much more from the imperfect characters in his books than I can by doing a prefabricated, fill in the blank bible study.
I don't know where this journey will go from here. I'd like to hope that God is directing something but I haven't felt very 'God directed' since I was 8 years old. I know he's there. If nothing else is true I'm certain of that. I'm just not so sure about "c-h-u-r-c-h-" anymore.
I want to know God and live a life like Jesus but it's not happening. I've spent far too long thinking I'm inadequate. I have this idea that I should be able to know God on my own. Through my own pursuit maybe I'll find him. But it hasn't happened yet. So what now? I still haven't come to conclusion on my feelings--are they legitimate? Or am I being another obnoxious Christian that's wants it all? I spent enough time growing up with a pastor for a dad to know I don't want to be another whiney Christian he so often had to deal with.
There is nothing wrong with the church I attend. I recommend it to other people. I don't want to leave in search of some other church because I don't think that's a solution and the problem isn't the church, its me and knowing where I fit into the big picture of that whole idea and quite frankly feeling too tired to pursue anything beyond weekly quasi-attendance.
I know Jesus walked the earth. I believe him God incarnate. But why this great fear of cosmic lightening coming down from heaven in Zeus-like fashion to strike me dead for being dissatisfied with the state of mainstream Christendom?
I'm tired of conservative portrayals of Christianity. I'm tired of the right, the left, and the middle. I just want to know God. Why does that seem so unattainable? Why does so much crap get filtered in along the way of life? Why did some church down the street from us hold an "Animal Blessing" service this past Sunday where you were encouraged to bring your pets?
I met with Sister Bernard yesterday. Sr. Bernard has been a nun for 56 years and heads up the Spiritual Growth Center for the archdiocese of Los Angeles. We talked about God and prayer. She explained the ancient history of spiritual direction and then gave me a list of few people who are spiritual directors in the area. She made it clear that spiritual direction is not therapy which is just as well with me since I'm not interested in visiting with a shrink at this point in my life. I was opposed to the idea of spiritual direction for a long time. Isn't spiritual direction supposed to take place in the church? Or through those contacts? On top of that I always had the notion that spiritual direction was some New Age fad which I've come to learn is untrue. I'm at a point of desperation of completely walking out on the idea of church altogether yet I have this unshakeable faith in what I can't seem to attain. I used to thrive off of solitude and alone time when I was younger. Now, I act like a 5th grader with a bad case of ADD if I even attempt quietness or aloneness for more than 3 minutes.
What I really want is to find some older people who I admire and who have a deep friendship with God. I'd latch onto them and through some parasitic endeavor hope to glean from their wisdom and experience. I have a lack of any such person in my life. That is the reason for the Spiritual Director. Who knows what will happen.
Tolstoy has momentarily replaced bible reading for me (no lightening yet....). I'd never read him before having always managed to opt out of mandatory english lit classes in high school and furthermore was turned off and intimidated by the shear length of his novels. Then I came across a book of his short stories and have been astounded by the spiritual overtones of his writing. Here is a man who was a wealthy land owner and strived his whole life to live out what he thought the kingdom of God should look like and failed miserably with every pitiful attempt he made. He doesn't hide his human condition nor his moral exhaustion in his works which is refreshing, pure, and beautiful. I can identify and gain much more from the imperfect characters in his books than I can by doing a prefabricated, fill in the blank bible study.
I don't know where this journey will go from here. I'd like to hope that God is directing something but I haven't felt very 'God directed' since I was 8 years old. I know he's there. If nothing else is true I'm certain of that. I'm just not so sure about "c-h-u-r-c-h-" anymore.
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