Jim Wallace, editor of Sojourners Magazine, spoke in Pasadena on Monday night as one of many stops for his current book tour. His talk was engaging and for a moment I felt as though I was living my short stint in Los Angeles again where I was studying social justice issues and movements on a daily basis. I miss those days. The problem with this is that there is no reason those 'days' should be behind me. The pursuit of justice should be an integral part of my life and yet....It's not. I'm undisciplined and quite frankly, comfortable. This bothers me.

I'm like the overweight person that knows I need to eat less and better foods in order to drop the weight but following through with the action is most difficult.

A recent post by my sister in law entitled I am the problem brought a bunch of loose strings together in my head. My darling SIL reviews a passage from the book Blue Like Jazz. Donald Miller, the author, upon contemplating his social conscience and realizing humans always blame someone else or some other entity, i.e. corrupt government, the rich, etc....comes to the conclusion that ultimate blame lies on the individual. Miller writes, "The problem is not a certain type of legislation or even a certain politician; the problem is the same that it has always been. I am the problem. "

I have been coming into these thoughts recently. They're not bad. just hard to accept. I don't enjoy taking a hard look at myself and realizing how far away I've gotten from my original ideals and how many exceptions I've made along the way with weak justification. Whether it's buying clothes from notorious sweat shop run Old Navy, or getting really excited that Tom's of Maine toothpaste is $2.00 cheaper at Wal-Mart, or working way outside the community in which I live which means long drive time and huge gas consumption, or not being financially responsible when my husband and I clearly make twice as much money now than when we were married less than 2 years ago, or not spending time with my step-son because I work and go to school and 'am not his real mom,' or or or or....My list could infinitely continue. Ultimately, I AM THE PROBLEM. I choose to do the things I do. My actions perpetuate injustice and sin.

My thesis in college was titled "Giving a Damn." I wrote that every choice we make every decision we we come to ultimately reflects our theology and our morals. From the car we drive, to the food we consume, all points to something much greater and far more important.

While I'm not ready to turn my blue jeans in for homespun I will work on myself issue by issue and examine my heart and look for the ultimate call of God in my life. I want to change. I want to always be changing--but towards something far greater than the location where I live, the company I work for, or the car that I drive. I will pursue God and meaning and justice. I have a long way to go.

Today I am 24

The older I get the younger I feel. I can remember in grade school, maybe even kindergarten, when the birthday girl/boy got to wear a crown for the day made by the teacher. I wish I had a crown to wear today. Guess I'm just a whore for attention. Wonder if that stems from being the last child in the family. Internally I feel like the entire world should cater to me for the day in celebration of my life. Is that egocentric and shelfish or what? But instead I sit at my desk at work, actually I'm not even allowed in my office right now because an interview is going on. So i blog....

Worms that Poop

I started my worm compost last week. It's something I've been talking about for a while but never got around to. It was really easy and I can't wait to use the compost on my plants. I never thought I could get so excited over watching worm poop accumlate and my trash decompose into quality earth. This is very small scale but the wheels of my imagination are turning as a I envision more and more people doing this and reducing their garbage output by tons.

With the birth of websites such as Craigslist, Freecycle, and even Ebay have reduced landfill growth by a lot. Some examples? Items I would have thrown out after moving: a tacky brass fireplace screen, a 1970's ceiling fan, and 400 sq. feet of cobalt blue carpeting. I listed them all on freecyle and within days had given all the stuff away to people who really wanted it. The old adage one man's junk.....truly is legit. The gentleman that came to pick up all my carpeting had been searching for used carpeting so he could build a large jungle gym for his cat. A little odd? Yeah. But I got rid of a lot of carpeting that was otherwise filling up my garage.

The most impressive was the 70+ year old woman who responded to my ad to get rid of the fireplace screen. Impressive that she was so internet savvy. When I called her to see if she still needed the screen she said she was putting on her shoes that very minute and would be right over. When she arrived, she walked right into my house sat down on the couch and proceeded to tell me all about her life. It was interesting and random. Though Freecycle only permits items to be given away this kind old woman brought me homemade fig jam as a thank you.

Heck, I've even seen worms for composting listed on freecycle. So there you have it. Don't throw stuff away. Recycle it, compost it, or find the one man on the universe that is dying to build a life size jungle gym for his 10 year old cat.

3 months later

...to catch up on three months.
december passed. obviously. christmas was hurried and lacked a lot of meaning.
we moved. we scraped acoustic ceiling off at least 500 square feet. we painted.

january came. i dropped into a deep funk even considered prozac. well, not really, but the thought crossed my mind that maybe these "feelings" are what drive people to take prozac. maybe i'm just a drama queen.

I turned into an evil step mother that would make even the Grimm brothers jealous. I became an emotional basketcase. I hid it fairly well for a while from my good friends.

I became annoyed with my job for no reason at all but now find myself asking the question " why do i work with a kids program when i don't even like kids?"

I flew to florida to hang out with mom, sister, and new baby nephew. It was a precious time to have 4 days of being 'grown ups' with the women of my immediate family and mind blowing to witness my sister act very motherly with her newborn. Leaving sucked and was sad as I love my family more and more as I get older but don't evision living in the same time zone in even the far future.

I didn't go to church for nearly 2 months which bugged the hell out of me but couldn't seem to resolve. D and I did get together with some good friends last minute last sunday to eat and read the bible. We've talked for nearly 4 years about starting something and maybe this is it. But we're still quasi attending the other church even though we haven't been in well....2 months. SO what do you do? We can't just leave. I don't know that I'm ready to leave. Leaving that church would be like breaking up with a high school boyfriend. I treasure the very few but significant relationships I have there. But do i belong anymore? Would i be better off somewhere else? Could I be better used somewhere else? Why stay at a church that is going in one directions when i feel pulled in another? Is it possible to leave and say, "Blessings on this body," and truly mean that and have no one come out hurt? I dont' know. I don't think I've seen a positive 'leaving' since i've been in church.

I decided to attempt reading through the bible this year, something i haven't done for almost 4 years and have already fallen behind but only because I've gotten side tracked by Ecclesiastes which is really giving me a run for my money.

I've never wanted to move out of this country than I do now.

Along with Ecclesiastes I started reading the book Affluenza compounded by watching Hotel Rwanda last wednesday and had my stomach in knots walking out of the theater as i feel i'm in the middle of a life with very little meaning. This has spurred lengthly conversations with D the past few weeks which have been incredible over cups of tea.

Speaking of which, thanks to my Intro to Herbology class I've discovered that buying "Bohe" aka Mint Tea from a chinese pharmacy is much more potent and delicious than store bought. (Nursing mothers beware though, it can prevent sufficient lactation.)

I'm already more than half way through my second quarter of TCM school. I have one really dorky biochem teacher that cracks himself up all through class with lame jokes.

This is the year of the rooster, my year. I will be 24 in 3 days. I heard from Bernardo tonight. He is really sick and his current foster mother won't take him to the doctor tomorrow so he asked if I would. It is nice to be reconnected to this precious life after three months of separation. I sill have not seen him since he left in November.

I gave up meat for lent but ate turkey bacon with my breafast and a Revuelta pupusa for dinner. According to lenten practice one is allowed to do whatever it is they gave up on Sundays. We had and episode with K as we realized how much food consumes his life. CO-parenting a 6 year old is getting harder and harder. Especially when i'm convinced he's going to come out of this life being very jacked up. His wonderful mother is moving for the 3 time in a month and half. He asked me today when we would be moving. Why is it so much easier to pray that mom gets hit by a bus than for redemption in all our relationships? Why does an innocent 6 year old have to carry the brunt of other people's sin and indulgence? Then again, why do innocent iraqi children have to die from bombs? Sin screws everyone. Even the most voiceless and innocent. that really sucks.

on that note. goodnight. i have to go clean and attempt to manually bow up an airmatress we just bought for my motherinlaw who is coming by greyhound later on.

peace.

for some reason my spell check won't work.

deel with it. :)