3 months later
...to catch up on three months.
december passed. obviously. christmas was hurried and lacked a lot of meaning.
we moved. we scraped acoustic ceiling off at least 500 square feet. we painted.
january came. i dropped into a deep funk even considered prozac. well, not really, but the thought crossed my mind that maybe these "feelings" are what drive people to take prozac. maybe i'm just a drama queen.
I turned into an evil step mother that would make even the Grimm brothers jealous. I became an emotional basketcase. I hid it fairly well for a while from my good friends.
I became annoyed with my job for no reason at all but now find myself asking the question " why do i work with a kids program when i don't even like kids?"
I flew to florida to hang out with mom, sister, and new baby nephew. It was a precious time to have 4 days of being 'grown ups' with the women of my immediate family and mind blowing to witness my sister act very motherly with her newborn. Leaving sucked and was sad as I love my family more and more as I get older but don't evision living in the same time zone in even the far future.
I didn't go to church for nearly 2 months which bugged the hell out of me but couldn't seem to resolve. D and I did get together with some good friends last minute last sunday to eat and read the bible. We've talked for nearly 4 years about starting something and maybe this is it. But we're still quasi attending the other church even though we haven't been in well....2 months. SO what do you do? We can't just leave. I don't know that I'm ready to leave. Leaving that church would be like breaking up with a high school boyfriend. I treasure the very few but significant relationships I have there. But do i belong anymore? Would i be better off somewhere else? Could I be better used somewhere else? Why stay at a church that is going in one directions when i feel pulled in another? Is it possible to leave and say, "Blessings on this body," and truly mean that and have no one come out hurt? I dont' know. I don't think I've seen a positive 'leaving' since i've been in church.
I decided to attempt reading through the bible this year, something i haven't done for almost 4 years and have already fallen behind but only because I've gotten side tracked by Ecclesiastes which is really giving me a run for my money.
I've never wanted to move out of this country than I do now.
Along with Ecclesiastes I started reading the book Affluenza compounded by watching Hotel Rwanda last wednesday and had my stomach in knots walking out of the theater as i feel i'm in the middle of a life with very little meaning. This has spurred lengthly conversations with D the past few weeks which have been incredible over cups of tea.
Speaking of which, thanks to my Intro to Herbology class I've discovered that buying "Bohe" aka Mint Tea from a chinese pharmacy is much more potent and delicious than store bought. (Nursing mothers beware though, it can prevent sufficient lactation.)
I'm already more than half way through my second quarter of TCM school. I have one really dorky biochem teacher that cracks himself up all through class with lame jokes.
This is the year of the rooster, my year. I will be 24 in 3 days. I heard from Bernardo tonight. He is really sick and his current foster mother won't take him to the doctor tomorrow so he asked if I would. It is nice to be reconnected to this precious life after three months of separation. I sill have not seen him since he left in November.
I gave up meat for lent but ate turkey bacon with my breafast and a Revuelta pupusa for dinner. According to lenten practice one is allowed to do whatever it is they gave up on Sundays. We had and episode with K as we realized how much food consumes his life. CO-parenting a 6 year old is getting harder and harder. Especially when i'm convinced he's going to come out of this life being very jacked up. His wonderful mother is moving for the 3 time in a month and half. He asked me today when we would be moving. Why is it so much easier to pray that mom gets hit by a bus than for redemption in all our relationships? Why does an innocent 6 year old have to carry the brunt of other people's sin and indulgence? Then again, why do innocent iraqi children have to die from bombs? Sin screws everyone. Even the most voiceless and innocent. that really sucks.
on that note. goodnight. i have to go clean and attempt to manually bow up an airmatress we just bought for my motherinlaw who is coming by greyhound later on.
peace.
for some reason my spell check won't work.
deel with it. :)
december passed. obviously. christmas was hurried and lacked a lot of meaning.
we moved. we scraped acoustic ceiling off at least 500 square feet. we painted.
january came. i dropped into a deep funk even considered prozac. well, not really, but the thought crossed my mind that maybe these "feelings" are what drive people to take prozac. maybe i'm just a drama queen.
I turned into an evil step mother that would make even the Grimm brothers jealous. I became an emotional basketcase. I hid it fairly well for a while from my good friends.
I became annoyed with my job for no reason at all but now find myself asking the question " why do i work with a kids program when i don't even like kids?"
I flew to florida to hang out with mom, sister, and new baby nephew. It was a precious time to have 4 days of being 'grown ups' with the women of my immediate family and mind blowing to witness my sister act very motherly with her newborn. Leaving sucked and was sad as I love my family more and more as I get older but don't evision living in the same time zone in even the far future.
I didn't go to church for nearly 2 months which bugged the hell out of me but couldn't seem to resolve. D and I did get together with some good friends last minute last sunday to eat and read the bible. We've talked for nearly 4 years about starting something and maybe this is it. But we're still quasi attending the other church even though we haven't been in well....2 months. SO what do you do? We can't just leave. I don't know that I'm ready to leave. Leaving that church would be like breaking up with a high school boyfriend. I treasure the very few but significant relationships I have there. But do i belong anymore? Would i be better off somewhere else? Could I be better used somewhere else? Why stay at a church that is going in one directions when i feel pulled in another? Is it possible to leave and say, "Blessings on this body," and truly mean that and have no one come out hurt? I dont' know. I don't think I've seen a positive 'leaving' since i've been in church.
I decided to attempt reading through the bible this year, something i haven't done for almost 4 years and have already fallen behind but only because I've gotten side tracked by Ecclesiastes which is really giving me a run for my money.
I've never wanted to move out of this country than I do now.
Along with Ecclesiastes I started reading the book Affluenza compounded by watching Hotel Rwanda last wednesday and had my stomach in knots walking out of the theater as i feel i'm in the middle of a life with very little meaning. This has spurred lengthly conversations with D the past few weeks which have been incredible over cups of tea.
Speaking of which, thanks to my Intro to Herbology class I've discovered that buying "Bohe" aka Mint Tea from a chinese pharmacy is much more potent and delicious than store bought. (Nursing mothers beware though, it can prevent sufficient lactation.)
I'm already more than half way through my second quarter of TCM school. I have one really dorky biochem teacher that cracks himself up all through class with lame jokes.
This is the year of the rooster, my year. I will be 24 in 3 days. I heard from Bernardo tonight. He is really sick and his current foster mother won't take him to the doctor tomorrow so he asked if I would. It is nice to be reconnected to this precious life after three months of separation. I sill have not seen him since he left in November.
I gave up meat for lent but ate turkey bacon with my breafast and a Revuelta pupusa for dinner. According to lenten practice one is allowed to do whatever it is they gave up on Sundays. We had and episode with K as we realized how much food consumes his life. CO-parenting a 6 year old is getting harder and harder. Especially when i'm convinced he's going to come out of this life being very jacked up. His wonderful mother is moving for the 3 time in a month and half. He asked me today when we would be moving. Why is it so much easier to pray that mom gets hit by a bus than for redemption in all our relationships? Why does an innocent 6 year old have to carry the brunt of other people's sin and indulgence? Then again, why do innocent iraqi children have to die from bombs? Sin screws everyone. Even the most voiceless and innocent. that really sucks.
on that note. goodnight. i have to go clean and attempt to manually bow up an airmatress we just bought for my motherinlaw who is coming by greyhound later on.
peace.
for some reason my spell check won't work.
deel with it. :)
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