A Clarification

I've had some responses to my last post. I don't think I was that eloquent in articulating my present state of mind.

After spending my morning talking with a dear friend I think was able to pinpoint some of my frustration.

I have the ideals of what I'd like to be. I have ideas of practices I'd like to integrate into my life. I am neither disciplined nor dedicated--a trait that has plagued me my entire life. I promise I am not playing up the victimhood ticket. I am how I am and I have the potential to change the same way an obese person has the potential to diet. But it's hard and I've never been perseverant in the face of trials. I usually just get ticked off and run my mouth at the person immediately causing the disruption. I hate being inconvenienced and get annoyed by incompetent people.

I'd like to be more contemplative. I'd like to be more meditative. I'd like to sit with the quietness of who I am and get to know God. BUT I CAN'T. And that is why I am so frustrated with myself. That is the reason for seeking spiritual direction. I don't want to talk theology. I don't want to talk about social issues. I want to learn how to know God. I want to be satisfied with silence, inactivity, and being all that I am AT THIS VERY MOMENT.

I want to understand why God only seems real in the midst of tragedy, third world poverty, oppression, and injustice. I want to learn how to separate myself from the over stimulation and overabundance of STUFF American culture offers so that I might get back into the dirt reality of life instead of welcoming every distraction that comes my way.

Waffling Religion Firm Faith

I don't know when the dissatisfaction first set in. Even now I still struggle with the fact that I feel this way. I'm trying to get to the bottom of the angst. I'm finding more and more frequently that as I try and process these thoughts out loud with people I trust I'm finding more people in a similar state. I'm tired of church. There. Now I await the lightening bolt to strike me dead. Nice view of God huh?

I want to know God and live a life like Jesus but it's not happening. I've spent far too long thinking I'm inadequate. I have this idea that I should be able to know God on my own. Through my own pursuit maybe I'll find him. But it hasn't happened yet. So what now? I still haven't come to conclusion on my feelings--are they legitimate? Or am I being another obnoxious Christian that's wants it all? I spent enough time growing up with a pastor for a dad to know I don't want to be another whiney Christian he so often had to deal with.

There is nothing wrong with the church I attend. I recommend it to other people. I don't want to leave in search of some other church because I don't think that's a solution and the problem isn't the church, its me and knowing where I fit into the big picture of that whole idea and quite frankly feeling too tired to pursue anything beyond weekly quasi-attendance.

I know Jesus walked the earth. I believe him God incarnate. But why this great fear of cosmic lightening coming down from heaven in Zeus-like fashion to strike me dead for being dissatisfied with the state of mainstream Christendom?

I'm tired of conservative portrayals of Christianity. I'm tired of the right, the left, and the middle. I just want to know God. Why does that seem so unattainable? Why does so much crap get filtered in along the way of life? Why did some church down the street from us hold an "Animal Blessing" service this past Sunday where you were encouraged to bring your pets?

I met with Sister Bernard yesterday. Sr. Bernard has been a nun for 56 years and heads up the Spiritual Growth Center for the archdiocese of Los Angeles. We talked about God and prayer. She explained the ancient history of spiritual direction and then gave me a list of few people who are spiritual directors in the area. She made it clear that spiritual direction is not therapy which is just as well with me since I'm not interested in visiting with a shrink at this point in my life. I was opposed to the idea of spiritual direction for a long time. Isn't spiritual direction supposed to take place in the church? Or through those contacts? On top of that I always had the notion that spiritual direction was some New Age fad which I've come to learn is untrue. I'm at a point of desperation of completely walking out on the idea of church altogether yet I have this unshakeable faith in what I can't seem to attain. I used to thrive off of solitude and alone time when I was younger. Now, I act like a 5th grader with a bad case of ADD if I even attempt quietness or aloneness for more than 3 minutes.

What I really want is to find some older people who I admire and who have a deep friendship with God. I'd latch onto them and through some parasitic endeavor hope to glean from their wisdom and experience. I have a lack of any such person in my life. That is the reason for the Spiritual Director. Who knows what will happen.

Tolstoy has momentarily replaced bible reading for me (no lightening yet....). I'd never read him before having always managed to opt out of mandatory english lit classes in high school and furthermore was turned off and intimidated by the shear length of his novels. Then I came across a book of his short stories and have been astounded by the spiritual overtones of his writing. Here is a man who was a wealthy land owner and strived his whole life to live out what he thought the kingdom of God should look like and failed miserably with every pitiful attempt he made. He doesn't hide his human condition nor his moral exhaustion in his works which is refreshing, pure, and beautiful. I can identify and gain much more from the imperfect characters in his books than I can by doing a prefabricated, fill in the blank bible study.

I don't know where this journey will go from here. I'd like to hope that God is directing something but I haven't felt very 'God directed' since I was 8 years old. I know he's there. If nothing else is true I'm certain of that. I'm just not so sure about "c-h-u-r-c-h-" anymore.

Yakov Who Smelled Like Horseradish

I spent the early part of this morning talking to an old man who came to repair our dishwasher. He had a thick accent so I was intrigued. I learned that Yakov (who did indeed smell overwhelmingly like horseradish) came to the U.S. as a refugee a little more than a year ago. He didn't explain why his life had been in danger and I didn't want to pry too much but I'm curious about this little old man.

His English was impressive for only having taken 7 months of classes but he kept apologizing for the way he spoke.

People have fascinating stories to them. Here is a man who speaks at least 6 languages and worked as a mechanical engineer in Moscow. Now for some reason unbeknownst to me he is repairing air conditioners and dishwashers in Pasadena. I had so many questions but figured I'd better get back to what I was doing once he finally asked me to let him finish his job. ...

I wonder how many houses Yakov has been in. Has anyone ever asked him about his background or why he is now here? Has anyone ever expressed any interest in him? I wonder if people just assume he is 'another immigrant' that has come to this country to find a good job. I wonder what I would have assumed about him if I hadn't asked him.

Not long after Yakov left Bernardo came home with his girlfriend. Sonia is 14 years old. I didn't realize how young she really was until I met her. I have no clue what to do with this situation. Do David and I send her to homeless shelter? I wouldn't wish that on any 14 year old girl having worked in one. It's not safe. Do we send her home? She says she can't go back there.

How could any parent kick a 14 year old out to the street? She may deserve to be disciplined, but kicked out in the middle of Los Angeles? What are they thinking? I'm so tired of seeing parents not step up to the job of parenting. I see it all the time with the kids I work with.

Maybe I'll stick my foot in my mouth when I have "my own" teenagers someday. I don't claim to completely understand what it is like to parent teenagers. Nor do I think I can totally comprehend why Sonia has made the decisions she has. When I was 14 I was living in a small East Coast town where I could walk around outside till it was late at night. My days were filled walking from friend's house to friend's house. Our daily excitement? Drinking tea at the Main Street Cafe. My reality is so far removed from Sonia who has only met her father twice, and been away from her mother until a year and a half ago when a coyote brought her and her younger sister to the United States from El Salvador. My life was a lot easier than hers has been. I've been shown love, consistency, and parents who weren't afraid of me. So how do I meet a girl like this where she's at? Why is this eighth grader wasting her time with a 17 year old? (we'll be talking about that issue tonight for sure).

I don't know what will come out of tonight. For the time being, I drove Bernardo's butt back downtown to school and told Sonia she could stay at our place until later tonight when David and I were both home.